A Chocolate-less Home

I moved around a lot growing up. You'd think that the whole leaving people/people leaving thing would get easier but it never does. Yesterday Lana moved back to Philly. It was a hard day for me. I had an amazing friend who had so many similar interests to mine yet was different enough to be constantly opening my eyes to new wonderful pieces of life. And the most awesome part was living three blocks from each other. Late at night when one of us was bored or sad or wanted out of our houses all it took was a quick text and a few minutes walk and things were fun again.

We spent her last days in Portland doing all the things you don't do when you live in a city because they're always there. One of those things being a tour of cupcake bakeries. Even though the last week she was here I always had in my mind the number of days until she would be gone we somehow still managed to have fun and not be sad until the very last day.

I'm not going to say I lost a friend because I don't think I did. Our friendship has changed but it's not gone. And I am truly glad that she's in a place that makes her so happy now.

This is going to sound weird, there's no way to make it not, but in some ways I'm thankful for the experience of her leaving. I would take her back here in a heartbeat but for the first time in my life someone has left and I don't feel like my entire world is ending. I don't feel like I want to close up and not talk to people again. I mean, okay, for a minute there when this became real yeah, I did feel like "Why is this happening AGAIN?" but I realized yesterday that this is okay. And knowing that I can now handle something like this without falling apart is so invaluable. I feel like all that time spent sitting in that giant leather chair in my therapist's office actually produced something.

I have to give Lana some credit though because even though I never mentioned it to her my biggest fear about her leaving was that she would end up back with all the people who love her and fill up her life and there would no longer be any room for me. I think it's a testament to how close we are that she knew how much that was weighing on me without one word uttered. I won't get into the mushy details but she wrote me a letter and in it addressed that fear of mine. And I love her so much for just knowing that that's what I needed, and for helping to make this huge change in my life seem not so daunting. I'm going to miss you Miss Lana.