Last Week as an Only Child

Warning: This is probably only entertaining to me.

Guess who's getting a puppy...

...me! He'll be here Memorial Day weekend. Coming from CA on a road trip with Tova who happens to be going down there anyways and offered to be a puppy shuttle. I have wanted a dog for a long time but not felt like I was at the right place in my life. I finally feel like this will be good. I can't wait to spend the spring and summer on walks with this little guy. I haven't decided on a name yet so if you have any ideas throw them out. I tend to like weird names. If you hadn't gathered from my naming my cat Javier.

Ice Pops!

Craig and I made six different kinds of popsicles last night. And that wasn't even all the ideas we had but then it was like 11pm and we were kind of tired and we'd used up most of the ice pop mold space so we stopped at six. The flavors we made were berry vanilla, Arnold Palmer, chocolate banana, peach mango, watermelon with blueberries, and watermelon grapefruit. Tell me you don't want to eat all of those.


Supplies. Except not even all of them. Because when I do something I do it big.


First layer of the Arnold Palmer pops...you can ignore the nine pints of ice cream in my freezer.


Our watermelon blueberry pops were made of pureed watermelon with some simple syrup. Once they froze a bit we pushed blueberries into them so the berries would stay suspended.


Javier was confused why we were in the kitchen if it wasn't to continually bring him fresh ice water.


Craig was confused by my juicer. Yeah, I don't know why either.


Second layer of the Arnold Palmer pops and some blueberries added to the watermelon popsicles.


I realize that looks like sawdust but it's actually a brick of chocolate I shaved with a Microplane. Added to bananas and milk.


Mango peach pops! We added honey as a sweetener. We also ended up adding some blood orange juice once blending sans liquid was obviously a mistake.


Our berry mix was so good. We used a bunch of frozen berries, vanilla yogurt, pomegranate cranberry juice, and some honey. Incredible.


We made two of each pop so we could each try them and decide what we liked best.


I made my boss' daughters some flower popsicles with fantastic "sticks" (actually straws) with the leftover mixes.


Aaaand...scene.

A Mixed Bag

So, it's been awhile.

First I feel like I should announce the long overdue winner of the feather earrings. Miss Tova wins with her idea for "Halloween Candy Ice Cream." Which is the brilliant concoction of ice cream with every kind of candy thrown in it and sounds horribly wonderful. Congrats Lady. And since I bought a pair for myself we can be twins.

I also want to skip over the depressing stuff because I'm exhausted from it but I need to thank all you wonderful people who sent me flowers and donated to Hopeline. I told Kevin's sister and parents about that amazing demonstration of kindness to a stranger and they were so touched. His parents said they're determined to have something good come from this and his sister said she hoped that even one person could get the help he couldn't. It sounds cliche but I do feel like if one person can avoid the pain of having someone they love commit suicide then something worthwhile has been done. And to come home to such gorgeous and uplifting flowers, both because of just...them, but also because of the thought behind the gesture...it was nice. Really nice after a terribly hard day. So thank you.


In more fun news, I finally caved and bought the Chanel wayfarers. Partly because it's sort of tradition for me to get one awesome new pair of sunglasses every summer and partly because they're actually really effective. They have that really ugly purple-y reflective stuff on them but it's on the inside so you don't look like you're stuck in the early 90s. And the lenses are crazy dark so I can totally justify this purchase as skin cancer prevention.


I also have decided I really want a dog. I was super on a West Highland Terrier kick. Those look like this...

Which is to say, the cutest thing in the entire world.

But then, Tova stepped in and threw me this curveball...



Puppy number one is my favorite thing ever but only available from a breeder, and most of them are far away which means if I couldn't find one nearby he would have to be shipped, and all the rescue people for West Highland Terriers are a little intense. I could probably more easily adopt an infant child. And then puppy number two is adorable and an orphan but lives in CA and I wouldn't be able to meet him before he's a member of my weird little family.

Regardless though, whoever I end up with already has a collar and leash. And is going to rock purple polka dots no matter what.

Tonight I'm having a popsicle making party with Craig. I'm so super excited and can't wait to update here. I'm wanting to make Arnold Palmer pops and coffee pops and watermelon ones too. We'll see how it turns out.

And then in the most wonderful news, I got an email from Miss Lana last night insisting on immediate delivery of info regarding my birthday celebration in July. Which leads me to believe she miiiiight be planning to show up for the cabin adventure. Which makes me beyond happy.

But I wouldn't stop you if you wanted to stay...

This week has been one of the most stressful and exhausting of my life. For those who don't know, my closest friend killed himself last Wednesday. I've never had someone I was so close to die, I've really never known anyone who's died with the exception of grandparents. This experience has been full of firsts, really painful firsts. Kevin's funeral was on Wednesday. I have to be honest, and this is extremely morbid, but the week between when he committed suicide and when his funeral was I was freaking out about people touching him. He had driven to CA to jump from one of the tallest bridges in the country. I knew he had been found and moved and flown back up here and brought to the funeral home and it was just killing me that all these people who didn't care about him or love him or even know him were touching this person I had always been so gentle and careful with. I know that it's unlikely anyone was being unprofessional or rough but the thought was driving me crazy. I just really wanted him to be buried. Even though I don't believe in an afterlife it felt like once he stopped being moved he would be at rest. In my mind I guess I thought that since the funeral would be achieving that it would be...good for me? Easy? I don't know what the right words are. I just thought I would feel better.

If Kevin were here he would laugh. He used to tease me all the time about how much I cry and he'd think it were ridiculous that I would think I could get through his funeral with minimal tears.

I got there early in case his mom needed help with anything. And I immediately fell apart. I saw his casket and didn't know how to be in the room with him. I went to the bathroom and cried the kind of tears that keep you from being able to take a breath. The rest of the service wasn't much different although I did manage to be quiet.

Emotions tend to exhaust me. I think I feel really deeply, it's part of the reason I take Zoloft, so I won't break from how intense things can feel for me. Burying my best friend was one of the most tiring things I've experienced. Seeing his parents, helping pick music for the service, hugging his sister, all of those things were more difficult than I can explain but the most tiring thing has been the anger. And none of it is directed at Kevin. I know he was in pain and I don't blame anyone who can't handle that pain. I've never thought suicide was selfish, just really painful for everyone involved. But I feel angry at my parents all over again. This is one of those times I feel like I need a mom. I needed someone to take care of me and just hold me and be there and not even say anything. And again, when I'm starting to feel like I've got this life thing under control something comes up where I need some guidance and love and support and the people who should be there to give me that are not there. I also was feeling so angry that there were all these people out there functioning and living and doing. I wanted to yell at everyone that someone had died, someone amazing, why weren't they upset?

Needless to say, it's been rough.

On the bright side, today feels more hopeful. I still feel like there's a giant chunk of me that's gone forever but the sun is shining and my obnoxious cat got me out of bed and while I didn't actually wash my hair or put on makeup I did care enough to braid it and put on an actual outfit. And I've smiled. So, progress right?

A Goodbye

I've thought about this and how to start it and changed my mind way too many times. I really don't think there's any good or right way to have to say this so here it is, one of my best friends, the person I have by far been the closest to in my life, killed himself yesterday.

I didn't find out until last night and I'm thankful for that one last day full of sunshine and being happy. I feel different now and I'm not sure it's something that will go away.

My friend suffered from depression for a long time. He was brilliant and tried every avenue possible to get help but none of it worked for him. About a year ago he made his first attempt to take his life and was found before anything happened. We talked for a bit after that then one day he just stopped. Sometimes I think it's because he thought he was doing me a favor. Other times I think maybe he just needed a fresh start or to focus on himself to get better. I think that's the thing that hurts most right now, I thought that somehow by giving him space something good would come from it but instead I just miss my friend and I regret not having pushed to see him or talk with him. I know he opened up with me in a way he didn't with other people and I wish I had made him let me be there.

I loved him more and deeper than I ever have anyone else. He was there for me no matter what and always knew how to make me feel better. No matter what I was going through. Some friends don't know what to say to you or try to make you happy when you're upset but Kevin was okay with me being sad. He'd just talk with me and not try to solve it, sometimes you just need someone to let you be and not try to fix. I desperately wish I could have made him feel even a fraction of what he made me feel. And now, when I need him the most, when he's the only person who could possibly know what to say to me, the perfect person to give the best hugs, he's not here.

Part of me is also really scared. If the person I've connected best with in my life was in this much pain, what does that mean about me? And what will this do to me? I feel like I'm doomed to be broken, like every time I pick myself up something out there wants to crush me all over again. It's exhausting. And terrifying.

I feel lost. I've never been to a funeral. I don't know how to talk to people about this. I don't know how to even tell people. I hate how nobody knows what to say and I make them feel awkward. I hate that I have to go shopping for something ugly to wear to his funeral because I just want to throw whatever it is I wear out afterward. I hate that his birthday is in a couple weeks and the reminder for it is on my calendar and I can't delete it. I hate that his mom wants me to write something to be read at the service and I don't want to because I want to keep everything between us special and just for us and I'm too selfish to share.

This was at one point from you to me dear friend but now I give it back to you...

I'm too excited about this to be clever.

I was watching Glee last night, but I didn't finish it so don't ruin it for me by leaving me a comment saying "Oh my God! Wasn't it crazy how Sue got shot by Becky and then Artie and Santana got rid of the body by tossing it overboard before hooking up on a yacht they somehow managed to acquire in Ohio and then Quinn and Rachel saw them and became BFFs because they had to hide the secret from Britney and they only had each other to talk to it about?"

Obviously I've been watching too much Dexter.

Anyways, I started Glee and while Fondue for Two was awesome, this was even more so:


I'm not sure if many people really realized how amazing this was. A major company took a huge risk by centering their product ad entirely around the It Gets Better Project. And while that project is, in it's most basic sense, an anti-bullying campaign, it's headed by Dan Savage who is openly gay and really the target audience of the project is GLBT teens. And if that weren't enough, this ad wasn't running on Logo or Bravo at 2am during a repeat of The A-List, it was running on network television during prime time.

Can we just take a minute to realize how fucking incredible that is?

I think that most of us who are straight don't realize it but a lot of companies make two versions of their ads, one for straight people, and one that features gay men and women and that they take and hide on cable channels that research shows gay people watch where no one will be offended. For example...


To have a company risk the wrath of the homophobic, who can be a pretty intense bunch when they want to, and have this crazy ability to organize a boycott like nobody's business...well, it made my day.

Shake Your Tail Feathers

I'm currently obsessed with feathers. I've always had a thing for peacock feathers but recently my love has grown to include all kinds of fowl. I can't get enough. In fact, today, I am wearing these. Shoes covered in feathers. Practical? No. Awesome? Absolutely.


Later this month I'm getting feathers put in my hair. Similar to the ones going on here...


To celebrate all this feather love I'm going to give away a pair of feather earrings. All you have to do is tell me the best ice cream flavor you've ever tasted. What do feathers and ice cream have to do with each other? Nothing, but I want to make ice cream and want ideas and since I'm the one running the show here the rules can be as arbitrary as I want. Next time whoever washes my dishes will win!

So, let's start today (May 3rd, 2011) and end Friday (May 6th, 2011). I'll announce the winner on Monday (May 9th, 2011). Remember, if you're going to play you might win and that means giving me your address so I can send you your prize. If for any reason you're uncomfortable with that it's probably best you sit this one out.

If you win, these will be your prize!


P.S. I really don't want a lecture about how people putting feathers in their hair is taking feathers from fly fisherman and blah, blah, blah. If I start putting bald eagle feathers in my hair you can sit me down and have a talk.

April Showers Bring May Flowers

Remember how I said I was going to cover every spare bit of wall space in my apartment with some sort of art? Well, progress has been made.

I've been staring at these flowers on the Urban Outfitters site forever. There's something I like about them but then every time I look at them I decide they're actually sort of dumb and not worth the $40 they cost. Then I'm drawn back and go through the whole thing again. Until all of a sudden it occurred to me that I could paint them.


I went to the craft store and bought a bunch of acrylic craft paint, the kind that's sold near all the unfinished wooden things you can paint, and some cheap brushes. I didn't really have a plan but I started by painting the backsides of the flowers. I left those to dry and came back the next day to do the fronts. I can be impatient so I was pretty stoked that this paint on this material dried really quickly.

Next I had to put them on the wall. The kit comes with these tacks and you basically just hammer them into a wall then snap the back of the flowers on. Not using a hammer is not an option, they aren't like thumbtacks, and you'll likely bend some of them. The kit comes with one extra pin but that wasn't enough to make up for the four tacks I ruined so I ended up super gluing a few to the wall. For those familiar with my past home projects this won't be a surprise. I also have a chandelier super glued to my ceiling and small rugs super glued together to create a large one.

Trust me, it's not as ridiculous as it sounds. And no, the chandelier is not going to fall down.


At this point I had super glued flowers to the walls, had a more than a few plaster mishaps being hidden by flower petals, and figured I was already in for a repair and paint job when I leave my apartment so, why not just go for broke and paint leaves on the wall too?




I can't tell you how happy it makes me to round the corner in the morning and see this. Especially with the recent sun.

Back, Back Again

Oh my goodness it's been a long time.

I've done a ton while taking my break from the internet. I painted pottery, went to the gorge, dyed Easter eggs, made new art, threw a party, got some awesome new kitchen stuff, wore pajamas out and about, watched too much Dexter, and took pictures of my cat. Obviously it's all too much to talk about at once so I'm going to go ahead and give you non-chronological bits and pieces.

I went to the gorge last weekend with Tova and some others for a picnic. I don't really know the real name of the place we went. Everyone just calls it the gorge and it was my first time there which everyone thought was super crazy. I had to hunt down Craig at his favorite coffee shop and kidnap him to come with because he wasn't answering his phone. He was all grumpy about it at first and insisted on doing his homework in the car but I am persuasive so he came with.



We stopped at this view point that was named Women's Forum which totally sounds like Lilith Fair in conference form to me but whatever. This family seriously took a photo at every single section of fence here. The mom kept taking pictures of two of the girls and telling them to "do a little kick" while demonstrating. Possibly my favorite part of the day.


This is the gorge.



Javi and I slept in yesterday. He's pretty much the best ever at snuggly weekend mornings. He's not a super snuggly guy but it's like he gets that on the weekends we're supposed to stay in bed late and be cozy.


This weekend we had a whole two days full of gorgeous sun. Of course today it's gone but I'm starting to really look forward to Spring. I love how in Portland just when you think you're about to go bonkers over the grey skies the weather comes through and gives you some much needed vitamin D.

To all those who won prizes from my giveaway, I mailed out your packages this weekend. I apologize for the late start but you should have your things soon!