Friday, May 13, 2011

But I wouldn't stop you if you wanted to stay...

This week has been one of the most stressful and exhausting of my life. For those who don't know, my closest friend killed himself last Wednesday. I've never had someone I was so close to die, I've really never known anyone who's died with the exception of grandparents. This experience has been full of firsts, really painful firsts. Kevin's funeral was on Wednesday. I have to be honest, and this is extremely morbid, but the week between when he committed suicide and when his funeral was I was freaking out about people touching him. He had driven to CA to jump from one of the tallest bridges in the country. I knew he had been found and moved and flown back up here and brought to the funeral home and it was just killing me that all these people who didn't care about him or love him or even know him were touching this person I had always been so gentle and careful with. I know that it's unlikely anyone was being unprofessional or rough but the thought was driving me crazy. I just really wanted him to be buried. Even though I don't believe in an afterlife it felt like once he stopped being moved he would be at rest. In my mind I guess I thought that since the funeral would be achieving that it would be...good for me? Easy? I don't know what the right words are. I just thought I would feel better.

If Kevin were here he would laugh. He used to tease me all the time about how much I cry and he'd think it were ridiculous that I would think I could get through his funeral with minimal tears.

I got there early in case his mom needed help with anything. And I immediately fell apart. I saw his casket and didn't know how to be in the room with him. I went to the bathroom and cried the kind of tears that keep you from being able to take a breath. The rest of the service wasn't much different although I did manage to be quiet.

Emotions tend to exhaust me. I think I feel really deeply, it's part of the reason I take Zoloft, so I won't break from how intense things can feel for me. Burying my best friend was one of the most tiring things I've experienced. Seeing his parents, helping pick music for the service, hugging his sister, all of those things were more difficult than I can explain but the most tiring thing has been the anger. And none of it is directed at Kevin. I know he was in pain and I don't blame anyone who can't handle that pain. I've never thought suicide was selfish, just really painful for everyone involved. But I feel angry at my parents all over again. This is one of those times I feel like I need a mom. I needed someone to take care of me and just hold me and be there and not even say anything. And again, when I'm starting to feel like I've got this life thing under control something comes up where I need some guidance and love and support and the people who should be there to give me that are not there. I also was feeling so angry that there were all these people out there functioning and living and doing. I wanted to yell at everyone that someone had died, someone amazing, why weren't they upset?

Needless to say, it's been rough.

On the bright side, today feels more hopeful. I still feel like there's a giant chunk of me that's gone forever but the sun is shining and my obnoxious cat got me out of bed and while I didn't actually wash my hair or put on makeup I did care enough to braid it and put on an actual outfit. And I've smiled. So, progress right?


  1. Yes, that is wonderful progress. You've done good.

  2. each day is another step back to "normal".
    i am so sorry to hear of your pain, and his. my heart aches for you, i'm sorry that i have to keep on living and doing, but i have stopped a moment in respect and love for you and your friend. if i could squeeze the pain away i would hold you until it stopped!

  3. That was bautiful to read because it was so honest and true. I hope every day is just a little bit better.