A Goodbye

I've thought about this and how to start it and changed my mind way too many times. I really don't think there's any good or right way to have to say this so here it is, one of my best friends, the person I have by far been the closest to in my life, killed himself yesterday.

I didn't find out until last night and I'm thankful for that one last day full of sunshine and being happy. I feel different now and I'm not sure it's something that will go away.

My friend suffered from depression for a long time. He was brilliant and tried every avenue possible to get help but none of it worked for him. About a year ago he made his first attempt to take his life and was found before anything happened. We talked for a bit after that then one day he just stopped. Sometimes I think it's because he thought he was doing me a favor. Other times I think maybe he just needed a fresh start or to focus on himself to get better. I think that's the thing that hurts most right now, I thought that somehow by giving him space something good would come from it but instead I just miss my friend and I regret not having pushed to see him or talk with him. I know he opened up with me in a way he didn't with other people and I wish I had made him let me be there.

I loved him more and deeper than I ever have anyone else. He was there for me no matter what and always knew how to make me feel better. No matter what I was going through. Some friends don't know what to say to you or try to make you happy when you're upset but Kevin was okay with me being sad. He'd just talk with me and not try to solve it, sometimes you just need someone to let you be and not try to fix. I desperately wish I could have made him feel even a fraction of what he made me feel. And now, when I need him the most, when he's the only person who could possibly know what to say to me, the perfect person to give the best hugs, he's not here.

Part of me is also really scared. If the person I've connected best with in my life was in this much pain, what does that mean about me? And what will this do to me? I feel like I'm doomed to be broken, like every time I pick myself up something out there wants to crush me all over again. It's exhausting. And terrifying.

I feel lost. I've never been to a funeral. I don't know how to talk to people about this. I don't know how to even tell people. I hate how nobody knows what to say and I make them feel awkward. I hate that I have to go shopping for something ugly to wear to his funeral because I just want to throw whatever it is I wear out afterward. I hate that his birthday is in a couple weeks and the reminder for it is on my calendar and I can't delete it. I hate that his mom wants me to write something to be read at the service and I don't want to because I want to keep everything between us special and just for us and I'm too selfish to share.

This was at one point from you to me dear friend but now I give it back to you...