But I wouldn't stop you if you wanted to stay...

This week has been one of the most stressful and exhausting of my life. For those who don't know, my closest friend killed himself last Wednesday. I've never had someone I was so close to die, I've really never known anyone who's died with the exception of grandparents. This experience has been full of firsts, really painful firsts. Kevin's funeral was on Wednesday. I have to be honest, and this is extremely morbid, but the week between when he committed suicide and when his funeral was I was freaking out about people touching him. He had driven to CA to jump from one of the tallest bridges in the country. I knew he had been found and moved and flown back up here and brought to the funeral home and it was just killing me that all these people who didn't care about him or love him or even know him were touching this person I had always been so gentle and careful with. I know that it's unlikely anyone was being unprofessional or rough but the thought was driving me crazy. I just really wanted him to be buried. Even though I don't believe in an afterlife it felt like once he stopped being moved he would be at rest. In my mind I guess I thought that since the funeral would be achieving that it would be...good for me? Easy? I don't know what the right words are. I just thought I would feel better.

If Kevin were here he would laugh. He used to tease me all the time about how much I cry and he'd think it were ridiculous that I would think I could get through his funeral with minimal tears.

I got there early in case his mom needed help with anything. And I immediately fell apart. I saw his casket and didn't know how to be in the room with him. I went to the bathroom and cried the kind of tears that keep you from being able to take a breath. The rest of the service wasn't much different although I did manage to be quiet.

Emotions tend to exhaust me. I think I feel really deeply, it's part of the reason I take Zoloft, so I won't break from how intense things can feel for me. Burying my best friend was one of the most tiring things I've experienced. Seeing his parents, helping pick music for the service, hugging his sister, all of those things were more difficult than I can explain but the most tiring thing has been the anger. And none of it is directed at Kevin. I know he was in pain and I don't blame anyone who can't handle that pain. I've never thought suicide was selfish, just really painful for everyone involved. But I feel angry at my parents all over again. This is one of those times I feel like I need a mom. I needed someone to take care of me and just hold me and be there and not even say anything. And again, when I'm starting to feel like I've got this life thing under control something comes up where I need some guidance and love and support and the people who should be there to give me that are not there. I also was feeling so angry that there were all these people out there functioning and living and doing. I wanted to yell at everyone that someone had died, someone amazing, why weren't they upset?

Needless to say, it's been rough.

On the bright side, today feels more hopeful. I still feel like there's a giant chunk of me that's gone forever but the sun is shining and my obnoxious cat got me out of bed and while I didn't actually wash my hair or put on makeup I did care enough to braid it and put on an actual outfit. And I've smiled. So, progress right?

A Goodbye

I've thought about this and how to start it and changed my mind way too many times. I really don't think there's any good or right way to have to say this so here it is, one of my best friends, the person I have by far been the closest to in my life, killed himself yesterday.

I didn't find out until last night and I'm thankful for that one last day full of sunshine and being happy. I feel different now and I'm not sure it's something that will go away.

My friend suffered from depression for a long time. He was brilliant and tried every avenue possible to get help but none of it worked for him. About a year ago he made his first attempt to take his life and was found before anything happened. We talked for a bit after that then one day he just stopped. Sometimes I think it's because he thought he was doing me a favor. Other times I think maybe he just needed a fresh start or to focus on himself to get better. I think that's the thing that hurts most right now, I thought that somehow by giving him space something good would come from it but instead I just miss my friend and I regret not having pushed to see him or talk with him. I know he opened up with me in a way he didn't with other people and I wish I had made him let me be there.

I loved him more and deeper than I ever have anyone else. He was there for me no matter what and always knew how to make me feel better. No matter what I was going through. Some friends don't know what to say to you or try to make you happy when you're upset but Kevin was okay with me being sad. He'd just talk with me and not try to solve it, sometimes you just need someone to let you be and not try to fix. I desperately wish I could have made him feel even a fraction of what he made me feel. And now, when I need him the most, when he's the only person who could possibly know what to say to me, the perfect person to give the best hugs, he's not here.

Part of me is also really scared. If the person I've connected best with in my life was in this much pain, what does that mean about me? And what will this do to me? I feel like I'm doomed to be broken, like every time I pick myself up something out there wants to crush me all over again. It's exhausting. And terrifying.

I feel lost. I've never been to a funeral. I don't know how to talk to people about this. I don't know how to even tell people. I hate how nobody knows what to say and I make them feel awkward. I hate that I have to go shopping for something ugly to wear to his funeral because I just want to throw whatever it is I wear out afterward. I hate that his birthday is in a couple weeks and the reminder for it is on my calendar and I can't delete it. I hate that his mom wants me to write something to be read at the service and I don't want to because I want to keep everything between us special and just for us and I'm too selfish to share.

This was at one point from you to me dear friend but now I give it back to you...

Soul Food

My real life family sort of sucks. And by sort of I mean definitely. And a bunch. In fact 'sort of that means definitely' so much that after years and years of trying to repair things after a particularly ridiculous argument that involved me being kicked out of the house as a teen (for reals I was an awesome kid and did nothing wrong) and many years before that filled with an alcoholic and, quite likely, bi-polar mother I realized that as many times as I'd been convinced things could get better I'd also been disappointed. And once I made that realization I decided to move on from the emotional equivalent of watching the Twilight movies. I was putting a whole lot in and not getting anything out of it other than headaches and the distinct impression that none of this was ever going to make any sense.

And now I have a new family. We don't share DNA and I'll never have their nose or eyes but they are so the people who I was meant to spend holidays with and come to when I need guidance and nothing makes me happier than being home with them and helping the girls pack for a trip or helping the woman I think of as my mom and one of my closest friends clean the kitchen after dinner because that's what families do.

After a rough couple weeks and a draining day yesterday I text my "mom" (let's call her S) asking if I could see them soon. Within five minutes I had a call from the littlest munchkin asking me to come over for lunch this weekend. And I happily agreed.

What I thought would be an hour or so visit turned into a nearly five hour one. When I was leaving S said "I hope this felt good for your soul." and that's exactly what it did, fed my soul.

All I can say is...

...whoa. Mister West has got it goin' on. As usual.



I was in the car with Lana Friday night and Through the Wire came on my ipod. I told her I remember hearing that song for the first time and just thinking "This is amazing, I need to know who this is."

My love has only gotten harder, better, faster, stronger.

Nothing is forever. Except a tattoo. Also probably being paralyzed. Or dead.

I want another tattoo.

Actually, I want four new tattoos.

I never thought I'd be that girl who was all covered in ink but that whole "once you get one you'll want more" thing is true. I got my first thinking I'd never go under the needle again but here I am a couple years later with four.

I've been collecting images for awhile and here are the things I'm craving. All of these would be in white ink as are all my current tattoos.

There is a book called The Happy Lion by Louise Fatio. When I nannied I read this book to one of my girls nearly every night. In the book there is a lion who lives in the zoo. Every day the people from the town come and visit him and tell him "Bonjour happy lion!" and then, when they leave, "Au revoire happy lion!" One day the zookeeper leaves the happy lion's cage unlocked and he decides that he should return the favor and visit all his friends who come to visit him. When he gets into the city though everyone must have lost their minds because they're running about and yelling and frankly being quite rude to the happy lion who simply came to say hello. I won't ruin the ending for you but the reason this book is so special to me is that every night my little monkey and I would snuggle up and read it, I would tuck her in, turn out the lights, and tell her "Au revoire!" and she would respond "Au revoire Nanny!" Even to this day, years after we've stopped reading this story, she will still call out "Au Revoire Nanny!" when I leave the room after tucking her in. There are few things that bring me as many good feelings as the happy lion. And for that reason I'd like to carry him around with me everywhere.


I love my cat. A lot. Probably kind of a ridiculous amount. But whatever, call me a crazy cat lady, that furball has been with me through a pretty rough time and was one of the few things that got me out of bed some days. I love coming home to him, I love waking up to his cold little wet nose touching mine, I love when he bolts across the apartment in his best attempt to hunt something nonexistent. I would love a little line drawing of a cat with some Javier in him.





I want this, just because I like it. I don't always agree with Bansky's politics but he's fascinating regardless.


Lauren Child is possibly the most talented children's book "illustrator" of all time. I put illustrator in quotes because her work is really mixed media. She creates the most magical worlds that are full of color and pattern and texture. If you haven't read her version of Princess and the Pea you absolutely must. It's so refreshing. I'm not really sure of what I want from her work yet but these are some of the incredible things she's done.

I'm too tired to be clever.

Well, I am exhausted. Work has been extremely hectic and crazy lately. As a personal assistant it's pretty much my job to keep everything together and there have definitely been significantly more things to keep together recently. Luckily Lana offered to come in and help me with some things on her two days off this week.

This is where I get mushy.

Lana has a really full life. She has a big family to keep in touch with, bunches of friends, a job that can involve some pretty early mornings as well as some late nights plus a ton of other stuff. If anyone deserves a nap or bubble bath or mimosa or whatever it'd be this girl. So the fact that she gave up two whole days she could have spent doing any number of more fun things is pretty amazing. Plus, I basically just bossed her around all day telling her things to do and not once did she look at me like she wanted to strangle me. Which is pretty impressive.

I always think of Valentines Day as a day to celebrate and reflect on all kinds of love, not just romantic love, and yesterday got me thinking. I'm really truly lucky to have a friend like Lana who isn't competitive or jealous or mean spirited in the least. It can be hard to find friendships with women that are truly healthy, uplifting, and supportive and I am so thankful I found this one. I look at our interactions and they always seem to have the same goal, which is doing good. Whether the aim is our own happiness, creating good food, making something beautiful, solving a life problem or any number of things, the bottom line is making things better all around for everyone. And maybe I just haven't had a lot of those sorts if friendships and that makes me the odd one but this whole thing is so refreshing and just brings so much happiness and inspiration to my life. Which is what friendships should do.

I love you Boo.

Maybe Not Such a Bad Thing...

They're even better in the sun.

A Month of Photos: Days 9 & 10

Yesterday I was dying of a headache disease, otherwise known as a migraine, so I had to (again) put off photos.

Day nine is supposed to be a photo of someone who has gotten you through the most and I hate to sound...however I'm sure this makes me sound, but I think the person who has gotten me through the most is myself. Since I was 18 I've entirely supported myself. I've had friends and others who helped me during hard times but I haven't had anyone else to pay my bills or buy me a car or let me come home when I couldn't afford rent or who paid off my credit card. And I know that finances aren't probably what this was supposed to address but I feel that when you're able to provide for yourself financially you've achieved much more than that. I've never had someone that explained paperwork for me or helped me with my taxes or made big purchases with me. And yeah, I've paid too much for a car repair, I've not been able to go do things with friends because I couldn't afford it, and I've been nauseatingly nervous before signing paperwork with wonder over whether I was doing this correctly but I'm also thankful for all those lessons and that I feel confident and capable without relying on others. It makes me feel good to know I can take care of myself. Of course there have been times I've thought it would be nice to be able to be a bit more carefree and make some bigger mistakes knowing there's someone to bail me out if needed but also, as I leave my early twenties and enter my mid-late twenties and I see people around me with their parents still paying their bills or getting them out of tough positions they've gotten themselves into, and it makes me really happy to be doing well on my own and to not have to worry about transitioning into truly standing on my own two feet at 26, or worse, later. I feel good to be through that phase.

Day ten is supposed to be a photo of someone you see yourself marrying in the future. Which is pretty stupid so I'm not doing that. I will say that I see myself marrying someone who doesn't believe in traditional gender roles, someone who at least feigns interest in the things I'm passionate about, someone with different interests than my own, someone who will allow me to cook every night and knows the value in waiting until 10pm if needed to eat the most amazing food, someone who's willing to try new things, and someone who is okay with me having my own private place away from the one we share. Also someone who doesn't comment on what's going on in my closet because I seriously don't need someone asking why I have eight pairs of black heels.

A Month of Photos: Day 5, A Favorite Memory

There was a weekend a few years ago when someone very special to me and myself spent the weekend together. It was probably one of the most lazy weekends I've had to date. We even ate in bed. It was also over the 4th of July weekend and on that day we went outside and lit sparklers, the majority of them duds, and then ended up falling asleep in the grass. He woke me up sometime in the middle of the night to go back inside and when it was really morning we both realized we were covered with bug bites. I think we also realized we should probably become functioning members of society as well. After pulling myself together and getting dressed I came upstairs and he told me there was a present for me but I had to find it. I couldn't and he refused to tell me what it was and we both had lives to get back to so he left. It wasn't until later that I found my surprise.

A Month of Photos: Day 2

So day two of this little adventure calls for a photo of "you and the person you have been closest to the longest."

This is a difficult one for me. I'm not close to my family and while I have friends I'm close to I'm in my mid twenties which means it hasn't been until fairly recently that my friends stay in the same place for long given college, jobs, etc. Then I realized the person I've been closest to the longest isn't someone I can call when I have a break up or who takes me out to drinks on my birthday, it's this little munchkin of a girl who I've taken care of since birth. I've re-discovered the awe of the ocean, building forts, mixing colored water to make new colors like magic...and so much more with this girl. And for as many times as I've kissed her owies and made her feel better she's done the same for me tenfold. I know, don't barf okay?

What I'm Wearing Today (Bonus Edition)

I haven't written about anything fashion or style related in a long time. Mostly because I've been putting my entire life into cardboard boxes and then sort of taking it out again except I also have to work and sleep and there just aren't enough hours in the day. Plus I was really excited about rugs for awhile before I actually started sewing them together.

Anyways, this is what I'm wearing today plus some other extras I'm wanting to write about but don't seem to deserve their very own posts.

I usually feel maxi dresses are reserved for really tall, statuesque girls but I like them so I've bought a few and reserved them mostly just for beach wear. But then I started hanging out with Lana and that girl is short like me. Plus she never wears heels and she can pull off a maxi dress like nobody's business so I decided to give this trend a go. And I have to admit I like it a lot. Mostly because it's really ridiculously comfortable. It does sort of make me feel like a homeless lady but in a really chic way so I guess that's okay.

I ordered this dress online and it's weird. The seem that creates the top of the ruffled portion is really far down which I didn't pay attention to at first. So it makes your torso look really long and your legs look really short (not a desirable look) but this morning I couldn't really find clothing because I am living in a sea of cardboard and I need to buy more hangers before I start ripping into my clothing boxes. I also probably need a steamer as well.

So, anyways, I couldn't find any clothing, but I could find this package I had received so I decided I was going to try to make this thing work. I grabbed a medium width cognac colored leather belt and belted the dress just slightly higher than my waist but not empire style. Then I sort of pulled the dress up a bit so it created a loose top above the belt. I have to say for something that started out not working at all I made it fairly awesome. Also it's really soft so I sort of wanted to keep it no matter what.

Move West Maxi Dress by Free People in Mocha

I'm also wearing this sweater which I am in love with and want to wear all the time.

Cross my Heart Cardigan by Free People in Beige

I threw on some black tights and one of my favorite pairs of boots as well.

Belle Starr Boots by Corso Como

And now for the "bonus" portion of this post.

I now have wood floors which means my feet are always picking up tons of dust and nonsense. Which I guess is better than it being mushed into my carpet but still, it's gross. And I know I could sweep except I actually can't because there is too much stuff in the way. So I decided that even though I love being barefoot I would need to get some slippers.

Cadee Bootie Slippers by Target (?) in Brown

I'm not even going to pretend these aren't ridiculous in real life but they're soft and super comfy and they have a hard-ish sole so if I need to leave my apartment and walk a block to order and pick up pizza with Craig because the pizza place apparently has no real phone number, I can do that. Plus I sort of like looking like an Eskimo.

The new Free People catalog came out and I'm really loving these pieces. Plus with my new gigantic closet I will have plenty of room for them.

Desert Florals Maxi Skirt by Free People


Burnout Dress by Free People in Army

Other non-fashion related bonuses:

My cat has a cold. Which is adorable. I tried to video tape him sneezing but it just turned into a video of him turning his back on me and refusing to sneeze while I spoke in the really obnoxious voice I use to talk to him.

My city is flooding. Not really but there's a ton of water on the road and everyone is freaking out except it's Portland. And this happens every year. So calm down everyone and drive your cars. I did have to take off my shoes though and tip toe through a six inch deep pool of water to get to my car yesterday though so I guess maybe some freaking out is justifiable. I would have taken a picture but I was too busy trying not to drop my shoes or laptop. My boss had offered me some boots of hers because "What if there's glass in there? Or a snake?" but the water was in her driveway where there has never been broken glass or a snake so I figured that was pretty unlikely I am badass so I chanced it.

I was looking for a tray to fit my new ottoman so it could be used as a coffee table and basically the size I want doesn't exist. Unless I spend $650 and since I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen I'm not going to be getting one of these incredible custom made lucite trays. There are actually other sizes that are less expensive but I can't even think of a reason I would need another tray and as the queen of justifying purchases that's quite a feat. They're awesome though so check 'em out.

Kids Say the Darndest Incisive-est Things

While taking care of my used to be nanny girls this evening:

Monkey: I can see your tattoo.

Me: Yep.

Monkey: Did it hurt when they did that to you?

Me: Yeah, this one hurt the least but yeah.

Monkey: Why you did it?

Me: Because I like it.

Monkey: I like the way you choose your life.