But I wouldn't stop you if you wanted to stay...

This week has been one of the most stressful and exhausting of my life. For those who don't know, my closest friend killed himself last Wednesday. I've never had someone I was so close to die, I've really never known anyone who's died with the exception of grandparents. This experience has been full of firsts, really painful firsts. Kevin's funeral was on Wednesday. I have to be honest, and this is extremely morbid, but the week between when he committed suicide and when his funeral was I was freaking out about people touching him. He had driven to CA to jump from one of the tallest bridges in the country. I knew he had been found and moved and flown back up here and brought to the funeral home and it was just killing me that all these people who didn't care about him or love him or even know him were touching this person I had always been so gentle and careful with. I know that it's unlikely anyone was being unprofessional or rough but the thought was driving me crazy. I just really wanted him to be buried. Even though I don't believe in an afterlife it felt like once he stopped being moved he would be at rest. In my mind I guess I thought that since the funeral would be achieving that it would be...good for me? Easy? I don't know what the right words are. I just thought I would feel better.

If Kevin were here he would laugh. He used to tease me all the time about how much I cry and he'd think it were ridiculous that I would think I could get through his funeral with minimal tears.

I got there early in case his mom needed help with anything. And I immediately fell apart. I saw his casket and didn't know how to be in the room with him. I went to the bathroom and cried the kind of tears that keep you from being able to take a breath. The rest of the service wasn't much different although I did manage to be quiet.

Emotions tend to exhaust me. I think I feel really deeply, it's part of the reason I take Zoloft, so I won't break from how intense things can feel for me. Burying my best friend was one of the most tiring things I've experienced. Seeing his parents, helping pick music for the service, hugging his sister, all of those things were more difficult than I can explain but the most tiring thing has been the anger. And none of it is directed at Kevin. I know he was in pain and I don't blame anyone who can't handle that pain. I've never thought suicide was selfish, just really painful for everyone involved. But I feel angry at my parents all over again. This is one of those times I feel like I need a mom. I needed someone to take care of me and just hold me and be there and not even say anything. And again, when I'm starting to feel like I've got this life thing under control something comes up where I need some guidance and love and support and the people who should be there to give me that are not there. I also was feeling so angry that there were all these people out there functioning and living and doing. I wanted to yell at everyone that someone had died, someone amazing, why weren't they upset?

Needless to say, it's been rough.

On the bright side, today feels more hopeful. I still feel like there's a giant chunk of me that's gone forever but the sun is shining and my obnoxious cat got me out of bed and while I didn't actually wash my hair or put on makeup I did care enough to braid it and put on an actual outfit. And I've smiled. So, progress right?

A Goodbye

I've thought about this and how to start it and changed my mind way too many times. I really don't think there's any good or right way to have to say this so here it is, one of my best friends, the person I have by far been the closest to in my life, killed himself yesterday.

I didn't find out until last night and I'm thankful for that one last day full of sunshine and being happy. I feel different now and I'm not sure it's something that will go away.

My friend suffered from depression for a long time. He was brilliant and tried every avenue possible to get help but none of it worked for him. About a year ago he made his first attempt to take his life and was found before anything happened. We talked for a bit after that then one day he just stopped. Sometimes I think it's because he thought he was doing me a favor. Other times I think maybe he just needed a fresh start or to focus on himself to get better. I think that's the thing that hurts most right now, I thought that somehow by giving him space something good would come from it but instead I just miss my friend and I regret not having pushed to see him or talk with him. I know he opened up with me in a way he didn't with other people and I wish I had made him let me be there.

I loved him more and deeper than I ever have anyone else. He was there for me no matter what and always knew how to make me feel better. No matter what I was going through. Some friends don't know what to say to you or try to make you happy when you're upset but Kevin was okay with me being sad. He'd just talk with me and not try to solve it, sometimes you just need someone to let you be and not try to fix. I desperately wish I could have made him feel even a fraction of what he made me feel. And now, when I need him the most, when he's the only person who could possibly know what to say to me, the perfect person to give the best hugs, he's not here.

Part of me is also really scared. If the person I've connected best with in my life was in this much pain, what does that mean about me? And what will this do to me? I feel like I'm doomed to be broken, like every time I pick myself up something out there wants to crush me all over again. It's exhausting. And terrifying.

I feel lost. I've never been to a funeral. I don't know how to talk to people about this. I don't know how to even tell people. I hate how nobody knows what to say and I make them feel awkward. I hate that I have to go shopping for something ugly to wear to his funeral because I just want to throw whatever it is I wear out afterward. I hate that his birthday is in a couple weeks and the reminder for it is on my calendar and I can't delete it. I hate that his mom wants me to write something to be read at the service and I don't want to because I want to keep everything between us special and just for us and I'm too selfish to share.

This was at one point from you to me dear friend but now I give it back to you...

I'm too excited about this to be clever.

I was watching Glee last night, but I didn't finish it so don't ruin it for me by leaving me a comment saying "Oh my God! Wasn't it crazy how Sue got shot by Becky and then Artie and Santana got rid of the body by tossing it overboard before hooking up on a yacht they somehow managed to acquire in Ohio and then Quinn and Rachel saw them and became BFFs because they had to hide the secret from Britney and they only had each other to talk to it about?"

Obviously I've been watching too much Dexter.

Anyways, I started Glee and while Fondue for Two was awesome, this was even more so:


I'm not sure if many people really realized how amazing this was. A major company took a huge risk by centering their product ad entirely around the It Gets Better Project. And while that project is, in it's most basic sense, an anti-bullying campaign, it's headed by Dan Savage who is openly gay and really the target audience of the project is GLBT teens. And if that weren't enough, this ad wasn't running on Logo or Bravo at 2am during a repeat of The A-List, it was running on network television during prime time.

Can we just take a minute to realize how fucking incredible that is?

I think that most of us who are straight don't realize it but a lot of companies make two versions of their ads, one for straight people, and one that features gay men and women and that they take and hide on cable channels that research shows gay people watch where no one will be offended. For example...


To have a company risk the wrath of the homophobic, who can be a pretty intense bunch when they want to, and have this crazy ability to organize a boycott like nobody's business...well, it made my day.

Shake Your Tail Feathers

I'm currently obsessed with feathers. I've always had a thing for peacock feathers but recently my love has grown to include all kinds of fowl. I can't get enough. In fact, today, I am wearing these. Shoes covered in feathers. Practical? No. Awesome? Absolutely.


Later this month I'm getting feathers put in my hair. Similar to the ones going on here...


To celebrate all this feather love I'm going to give away a pair of feather earrings. All you have to do is tell me the best ice cream flavor you've ever tasted. What do feathers and ice cream have to do with each other? Nothing, but I want to make ice cream and want ideas and since I'm the one running the show here the rules can be as arbitrary as I want. Next time whoever washes my dishes will win!

So, let's start today (May 3rd, 2011) and end Friday (May 6th, 2011). I'll announce the winner on Monday (May 9th, 2011). Remember, if you're going to play you might win and that means giving me your address so I can send you your prize. If for any reason you're uncomfortable with that it's probably best you sit this one out.

If you win, these will be your prize!


P.S. I really don't want a lecture about how people putting feathers in their hair is taking feathers from fly fisherman and blah, blah, blah. If I start putting bald eagle feathers in my hair you can sit me down and have a talk.

April Showers Bring May Flowers

Remember how I said I was going to cover every spare bit of wall space in my apartment with some sort of art? Well, progress has been made.

I've been staring at these flowers on the Urban Outfitters site forever. There's something I like about them but then every time I look at them I decide they're actually sort of dumb and not worth the $40 they cost. Then I'm drawn back and go through the whole thing again. Until all of a sudden it occurred to me that I could paint them.


I went to the craft store and bought a bunch of acrylic craft paint, the kind that's sold near all the unfinished wooden things you can paint, and some cheap brushes. I didn't really have a plan but I started by painting the backsides of the flowers. I left those to dry and came back the next day to do the fronts. I can be impatient so I was pretty stoked that this paint on this material dried really quickly.

Next I had to put them on the wall. The kit comes with these tacks and you basically just hammer them into a wall then snap the back of the flowers on. Not using a hammer is not an option, they aren't like thumbtacks, and you'll likely bend some of them. The kit comes with one extra pin but that wasn't enough to make up for the four tacks I ruined so I ended up super gluing a few to the wall. For those familiar with my past home projects this won't be a surprise. I also have a chandelier super glued to my ceiling and small rugs super glued together to create a large one.

Trust me, it's not as ridiculous as it sounds. And no, the chandelier is not going to fall down.


At this point I had super glued flowers to the walls, had a more than a few plaster mishaps being hidden by flower petals, and figured I was already in for a repair and paint job when I leave my apartment so, why not just go for broke and paint leaves on the wall too?




I can't tell you how happy it makes me to round the corner in the morning and see this. Especially with the recent sun.

Back, Back Again

Oh my goodness it's been a long time.

I've done a ton while taking my break from the internet. I painted pottery, went to the gorge, dyed Easter eggs, made new art, threw a party, got some awesome new kitchen stuff, wore pajamas out and about, watched too much Dexter, and took pictures of my cat. Obviously it's all too much to talk about at once so I'm going to go ahead and give you non-chronological bits and pieces.

I went to the gorge last weekend with Tova and some others for a picnic. I don't really know the real name of the place we went. Everyone just calls it the gorge and it was my first time there which everyone thought was super crazy. I had to hunt down Craig at his favorite coffee shop and kidnap him to come with because he wasn't answering his phone. He was all grumpy about it at first and insisted on doing his homework in the car but I am persuasive so he came with.



We stopped at this view point that was named Women's Forum which totally sounds like Lilith Fair in conference form to me but whatever. This family seriously took a photo at every single section of fence here. The mom kept taking pictures of two of the girls and telling them to "do a little kick" while demonstrating. Possibly my favorite part of the day.


This is the gorge.



Javi and I slept in yesterday. He's pretty much the best ever at snuggly weekend mornings. He's not a super snuggly guy but it's like he gets that on the weekends we're supposed to stay in bed late and be cozy.


This weekend we had a whole two days full of gorgeous sun. Of course today it's gone but I'm starting to really look forward to Spring. I love how in Portland just when you think you're about to go bonkers over the grey skies the weather comes through and gives you some much needed vitamin D.

To all those who won prizes from my giveaway, I mailed out your packages this weekend. I apologize for the late start but you should have your things soon!

I'm Not Dead

I have a feeling this isn't totally normal but I really like being alone. I like doing things on my own, at my pace, the way I like them. I can be a bit bossy and controlling (less so with the addition of Zoloft to my life) and I can be a pain in the ass to do things with. In school whenever we had group projects I would take over and do the entire thing because I wanted it to be perfect. I'm impatient and while I've gotten better at not just snatching away all the materials and doing something myself it can be a challenge.

The one thing that allows me to be both alone and work on my 'being okay with it not being perfect' skills is painting. I go through phases where I don't paint for months and then all of a sudden something inside me decides to break out the brushes and I feel right again. It's calming. I like the look of a brush stroke so I tend to be more okay with them being where they shouldn't. Sort of like puppies.

I've been kind of MIA from the internet this week. I needed some time to be alone and to paint. I needed some quiet evenings full of bright colors. I have things to show and tell you but for this week I'm just going to not. I'm enjoying this little vacation. I'll be back Monday with clothes and craft projects and adventures.

Goodwill Unto Me

Craig and I went to Goodwill last night. We have one here on the East side of the city that's gigantic and awesome and always has something amazing. last night was no different.

Craig was looking for wall art. I was mostly teasing him by pulling out the most hideous things possible. Until I found this. I started to say "Hey Craig, I found you a picture of the Last Supper!" but I didn't get that far because part way through my sentence I realized that this thing is awesome and I did not want to hand it off to him. We both just stood there and there was a moment of silence before, at the same time, we both said "I actually like it..." Finders keepers though so I got it.


Craig found this and said "Look, I found this for you." and then showed it to me clearly trying to insult me by insinuating I'm a crazy cat lady but it didn't work because I snatched it from him and threw it in my cart with plans to make a wall of weird plates in those plates on the wall stand things. He apparently hasn't realized I've embraced being a cat lady. In fact, I'm going to put this in my bedroom and freak out any boys that may make their way into there.

Javi got a little jealous I was giving the plate cats so much attention.


Next I found this which is a conspiracy theory plate. Sounds just about perfect to add to the wall of weird plates.


This is a little blurry mostly because I was bending over while standing in heels to take a picture of this while hurrying out the door to work. If you can make it out though it says lots of fun facts about Presidents Kennedy and Lincoln and implies something was going on but never really makes clear what exactly could have been going on...


Happy Friday!

Passive Aggression

Someone got tired of her office supplies going missing.

And that someone was me.

So Fresh and So Clean, Clean

The other night my face was driving me crazy. I have pretty good skin so I don't really take good care of it. Because any time there's a problem it generally just figures it out on it's own. I once spent three weeks in Boston during the middle of Winter, used no moisturizer, and my face was fine. My "skin routine" consists of washing my face with some grapefruit Neutrogena face soap every other day in the morning and then just washing my face with water on the days I don't use the soap. And I mostly only use the soap because I like the smell of it.

So yeah, not good at taking care of my skin. I do use sunscreen daily though. Oh, and I get a facial every three months but I am contemplating being done with those.

Anyways, the other night I think my skin had had enough. It was crying out for some love. I won't get into the gritty details but basically my face felt greasy and my pores looked awful. And I could feel one of those painful under the surface zits.

I searched my apartment high and low for a face mask, any kind of face mask. I usually keep these little individual packaged ones (you may remember them from the holiday gift guide) but I had nothing. I remembered though this story my hair guy told me last time I saw him about this black face mask he had and how he scared his boyfriend while wearing it. I decided that was reason enough to try it.

I picked up a bottle yesterday and decided to go for it. I had read some reviews on the Sephora site which proved to be helpful. The mask is supposed to peel off, not wash off, so I knew some people had had trouble with not putting it on thick enough. I went ahead and slathered it on.


Javi was super helpful by sitting totally in the way and making it impossible for me to use my sink. But he's cute so I let him sit there and fed him water. (Psssst! Look at his little pink tongue!)



You're supposed to let it dry for 15 minutes so I went to watch Bad Girls Club since that seemed an okay thing to watch sans glasses. Figured I wasn't missing much.

After 15 minutes I got to start peeling it off.


I had read that this mask was basically like a giant Biore pore strip and it's true. It was awesome. I could see all the sick stuff from my skin on the under side of the mask. This is also where I discovered that there is totally a reason they tell you to not get it too near your hair line. I had some tiny baby hairs that got stuck and it wasn't pleasant to tear them out. I also learned that I had maybe been a tad too generous with the mask. If you layer it too thick it just doesn't dry so there were a couple spots I just gave up on and washed off.

Afterward my skin felt incredible. My pores looked smaller and cleaner and my face feels super soft to the touch. It's recommended you use the mask twice a week, I haven't decided if that's really necessary since I got such impressive results the first time. It might be a bit overkill to do it twice a week. But I'll definitely keep using it. And you should too!