Today Portland has decided it's Spring. Which is nice, it really is. I've spent the day driving with the sunroof open, playing the Blender top 500 songs of all time, loving the crisp air. I got to tie side knots in my maxi dress midway through the day. The sun is shining...but instead of feeling happy and optimistic about blooming flowers and the beauty of new life and bluebirds on my shoulders or whatever, well, I just feel sort of melancholy.
This happens every year so I shouldn't be surprised but when it's gorgeous out I really miss being a nanny. I miss picnics and parks, walks, buying dollar loaves of bread to feed the ducks, hopscotch, laying on the dirty driveway so the kids can trace me with chalk and getting up to find not only am I covered in dirt and pine needles but also chalk dust and an ant. I miss the freedom to just walk out the door into the sun and play. I miss the feeling of coming home after a long day in the sun to ice cold water and all of us collapsing on the couch and cuddling up even though we're all sweaty.
And I think about how now I can pay my rent and don't have to worry about money and have health insurance and a 401K and that all is really wonderful and I'm thankful for it but I still sometimes wish my days were full of play structures and ice cream.
I think I have reverse seasonal depression.