When I was about 18 my then boyfriend's mom told me that as you get older time seems to go by more quickly because each day, month, year becomes a smaller percentage of your life. At the time I thought it was a bit of a silly theory but as I've gotten older it's proved true. I remember when the months seemed to last forever and now they fly by.
2010 for me both lasted far too long and went by way too quickly. In the beginning of the year I was dealing with the geographical loss of a few friends and that was fairly difficult for me. Then I had a friend attempt suicide. This friend was my best friend and the only person I've ever been able to speak so openly and honestly with. After his attempt he disappeared from my life. He's still alive but has decided to not speak with me any longer. I don't fault him. He may just need time to work on things, he may blame me for not doing something sooner to help him be okay...I don't know. I miss him and love him dearly and I hope one day we can know each other again but right now that's not reality. After I lost this friend I went through a really rough time. I went from being extremely busy and social to creating a life that involved work and sleep and little else. I ended up losing more friends because of how little involvement I had in their and my own lives.
I've mentioned before that I started therapy this year and it all essentially came from that incident with my friend. I mean, to be sure there was a build up of things and I definitely needed therapy long before this year but I guess things came together in just the right way to completely break me down and make me get help. And even though 2010 was the worst year in some ways it was also the best because I feel like a real person now, a feeling I didn't even know before. What I considered normal was so high strung and scheduled and pressured that it was only after feeling the way I do now that I understood I perhaps have never felt normal my entire life. It was freeing and grounding and amazing. And I'm so thankful to have that now.
I'm also thankful for Craig who was such a good friend when I was the worst of friends. Craig allowed me to talk about things that were serious or to just ignore everything in my life and be distracted for a bit. He also stuck around for months when I didn't want to hang out or return phone calls. He would have been completely justified in walking away from our friendship and he didn't. I'm not sure he'll ever know how much I appreciate that.
I don't think Lana realizes the significance of herself in my life either. After nearly a year of being opposed to creating any kind of new relationships because of this stubborn insistence and fear that any person in my life would leave me this girl stepped in and broke down those walls for me. And I'm having a ton of fun with her.
This past year also proved that I do have a family in the family I nannied for. The girls are in my life in a significant way and going over to have dinner with their family makes me feel at home. It's one of my favorite feelings. I love being with them. I love helping and knowing where everything is and just feeling a part of these people. I love being expected to be there on holidays and the hugs I get when I walk in the door and that I'm the first one asked to watch the girls when their parents go out of town and the fact that they don't have to tell me anything before they leave because we're that close.
I'm glad last year is over and that I have a feeling of beginning something new but I also hope that this year continues to help me grow and learn as much as the past one did. Just maybe sans some of the rough parts. And while I'm not big on resolutions because I feel it's a setup for failure I do have some things I want to work on.
I want to make dinner for someone once a week. A real dinner and it doesn't really matter who for. I love cooking so much and I don't want to continue to let life get in the way and keep me from doing something I love.
I want to write a blog post every day but I realize there's no way that's going to happen. I think a goal of a post five days a week is practical.
I want to start working out regularly. But I hate the gym. And I especially hate the gym in January when everyone has resolved to work out. I instead am going to play Just Dance on Wii every day for at least a half hour. Don't make fun of me until you try dancing to Justice's D.A.N.C.E. on that game. I guarantee you'll agree it's a legit workout. Plus I'm totally going to gain some moves.
I want to create. I need to do that and so often it slips away. I am going to be sure to draw, paint, glue, something at least once a week.
And I think that's a good start. There are other things I could put on this list but I want to actually do these things and not feel overwhelmed or obligated. So, here's to 2011!
Oh, I also have a really fun daily photo project I'm going to do for the next 30 days so keep an eye out for that.
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